Tyler meets Ranger Gord
by kookybloo
Summary: A Red Green/My Hero crossover. What happens when my two favorite schizos from latenight PBS comedy meet up? Find out!


A bright orange streak whooshed through the cloudless northern Ontario sky, descending into the woods below, with a somewhat confused yet still subservient human being carried along for the ride. An upset Thermoman set Tyler's feet squarely down on the forest floor.

"And stay there until you stop being so annoying!" he sternly ordered.

Poor Tyler had no idea what he was even doing that was so badly annoying Thermoman, and tried to tell him this. "But…I…" he stammered uselessly, for Thermoman had already flown away. Tyler looked around and after a while it finally dawned on him that there was a fire tower not two feet away.

"What's this? Some sort of space needle? And it sounds like a man's voice up at the top, singing Peaches and Herb songs! I'VE ARRIVED!"

Meanwhile, at the top of the fire tower Ranger Gord was indeed singing Peaches and Herb songs and dancing with an imaginary girl in order to forget that he was the loneliest man alive. Pretty soon he heard a knock on the door and he immediately stopped singing and dancing.

"Oh, heh heh, come on in!" he said sheepishly.

"O Great and Wise Sage, I have ascended the Neverending Staircase so that I may seek out your infinite wisdom," Tyler weirded.

"Okay, he's not really there, but just in case he is, I'd better humor him," Ranger Gord thought to himself. Out loud he said, "Alrighty, ask away."

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

With all the time Ranger Gord had on his hands, he had actually figured this out.

"About 346, I'd say."

Tyler pondered these words (and number). "Amazing." But he hadn't run out of questions yet. "Was Yoda really a Muppet?"

"Well, uh, yeah! Wasn't it obvious?"

Tyler looked like a piece of his soul just died. "What? NOOOOOO!"

Ranger Gord didn't want to risk losing the only human contact he'd had in a week, so he tried to console Tyler. "Oh, heh, just kidding! Everyone knows Yoda is real! He's just as real as you and me…or as real as me…or as real as…you…yeah."

That was enough to convince Tyler. "Well, uhh…what may I call you?"

"Oh, where are my manners? I'm Ranger Gord," he said, holding out a hand. "I take it you're new to the area?"

But Tyler ignored both Ranger Gord's question and his outstretched hand. "_Ranger_ Gord? Are you a space ranger, like Buzz Lightyear?"

"Umm, no, I'm a forest ranger," Ranger Gord answered. "And who might you be?"

"I am your faithful servant Tyler," Tyler replied.

"Tyler what?"

Tyler shrugged. "I forget. Oh, wait, I'm the Green Hornet."

"Tyler the Green Hornet?"

"You truly are all-knowing!" was Tyler's awed response.

"Well, I wouldn't say _that_," Ranger Gord chuckled. "Although I do know quite a few things most other people don't. Like for example, I bet you didn't know that squirrels can throw acorns three miles. Or that porcupines do flying attacks from trees, or that mushrooms can smell fear…"

Tyler was sitting cross-legged on the ground at Ranger Gord's feet, paying rapt attention to every word.

"…or that elm trees and oak trees have been enemies for centuries, or that hail is caused by birds having kidneystones, or…sniff how incredibly lonely it is up here…" Ranger Gord began to dissolve into tears.

"Oh, there, there, now, Dalai Lama," Tyler consoled. "It's not easy to carry such a huge burden, what with being bestowed with the wisdom of the ages and all."

"Finally, someone who understands!" Ranger Gord was about to wrap Tyler in a huge bear hug when he suddenly screamed and backed away.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"What? What is it?"

"There's an enormous spider on your neck!"

"What? Get it off!"

"Now stand still…Oh. Wait. That's not a spider, it's a spider_web_, and…it's not even a real spiderweb, just a tattoo on your neck. Heh. It's all right, I see things all the time. Like right now, I see a scorpion on my shoulder…"

"Sammy! Were you being a stowaway?" Tyler said, taking his pet scorpion off Ranger Gord's shoulder. "Sammy wants to know where we are."

"Well, Sammy, you are in Fire Watch Tower 13 in Possum Lake."

"Where's that?" Tyler made Sammy say in a squeaky voice.

"In Ontario, Canada."

"Oh! Right!" Tyler said in his normal voice. He then began to sing "O, Canada" (or his version of it, anyway).

"Hmm. I must have been up here too long," Ranger Gord mused. "Since when did they change the national anthem to be about car washes?"

"It's a bit chilly up in here, I'll start us a fire," Tyler said, rubbing two sticks together.

"What? Stop that! What are you doing?"

Tyler let the two sticks burn on the ground and Ranger Gord snatched Tyler's hat off his head and threw it onto the fire.

"WHAT? NO! GIMME MY HAT!" Ranger Gord had successfully put out the fire and Tyler sank to his knees, clutching his scalp.

"Astral…communication…gone…muscle…mass…rapidly…decreasing…uuuggghhh…"

And with that he collapsed on the floor. Ranger Gord began to panic.

"Good Lord, what have I done?"

Tyler got up, smiling, pulled another hat out of his pocket and put it on.

"Gotcha!"

"Ha ha, you little trickster," Ranger Gord laughed, then grabbed Tyler violently and yelled, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" He proceeded to throw Tyler out the window.

"I CAN FLYYYYYYY!"

Just then Thermoman swooped down at the last second and saved Tyler from certain doom.

"Now Tyler, have you learned your lesson?"

"Oh yes, Master. Never talk to Canadians!"

"Exactly right!" said Thermoman, taking off with Tyler in tow.

Ranger Gord had been watching the whole thing from up in the watchtower. He cocked an eyebrow and shrugged.

"Weird."


End file.
